Monday, March 8, 2010

Academy Awards Recap

Did you watch them last night? I did. I always do. I've watched them for so many years that it's almost a habit. Some years we have a party with friends; some years it's a solo affair, because I'm the only one in my house who really likes watching all 4,000 hours of them. Oh wait, I lie: this year FDPG and Richard hung around, although we had to send FDPG to bed because she was seriously flagging, even with those obnoxiously enforced 45 second speech rules. What was with that? Killjoys, those producers.

Anyhow, I've found a few photos to illustrate what I think is best and worst about a movie awards show. But first let me say that I thought the director of The Hurt Locker, Kathryn Bigelow, had all the right attributes of an Award Winner: she was breathless (I like it when they seemed shocked and amazed), she was humble, she seemed genuinely nice, and she had a pretty decent speech considering. I did, however, get a little irritated with Richard, who, after each category had its winner, would say things like "Who do you think would have given the best acceptance speech?" I used my stock reply: "The Brit." Fortunately there was one in each category.

Let me also express my extreme indignation with those turkeys who thought it would be a good idea to cut the mike off when the second or third winner attempted to give a thank-you speech. Boys, here's the deal: there is a difference between shortening a bloated boring awards show and taking away the possibility of anyone saying anything remotely memorable. What you did was to cut up an already dull event and you didn't even have the wit to replace it with something interesting. Interpretive dance? Blech. Actors introducing the nominated movies? Boooooring. I want unexpected! I want gasp-inducing (but not, let me hasten to add, when it involves Mariah Carey or Miley Cyrus)! I want original and unusual!

Okay, now let me give you a brief synopsis of some dresses.

Someone give this girl some Spanx. Or at least someone who can honestly tell her not to wear clothing that is too small for her (without her later killing them or flattening them). This is not a good look. Mariah, if you were to hire me I would tell you that you do not have a very realistic self-image. And that you shouldn't inhale quite so deeply when you are posing. And that you need some chest deflators.

Miley Cyrus. Sorry, I simply cannot include a photo with this terrible excuse for an entertainer. This girl used this phrase "lots of glitter everywhere" and "it looks SO classy" in the same speech. And her sister, who is about 10, looked like a very trashy 30 year old hooker. Bad. Bad. Bad. I was horrified and highly irritable looking at those two. Where are their parents? Bad parents. Very bad parents. Good parents do not pimp out their children. Do not pass go. Do not collect $50.
Be still my beating heart! Gosh, I like this guy. He's such an amazing actor, even if he does have his troubles with drugs. Let's just all breathe a sigh of relief that he isn't dead yet.

Do I really need to say anything about this gem of a woman? I aspire to have hair as good as hers one day. Among other things.

Here is Richard's girlfriend. Not that he'll admit it, of course. But when she shows up on screen he sits up straight and tidies his hair. So I refer to her as his girlfriend. There is the kind-of-weird issue of her being a brunette and me being a blonde, but if he can deal with my Doctor Who obsession I can deal with the brunette thing. Besides, she is one hot chick. At least he has good taste, right?

What is with this dress? I think someone lost their streamers from Chinatown. These look like the ones I get for the twins on their birthday. I stretch them out over the garden and they look supremely gorgeous, but this is definitely an odd look. Even for me. Highly tactile, but weird.

I know this is a very LOUD and BOLD look but it was my favourite dress. Not my favourite colour, but it was so shiny and multi-hued I loved it nonetheless. I had a hard time dragging my gaze away, it had so many, err, layers to it. I'd put this on a cake or present any day. I'd even take a stab at wearing it. I think this could be a good look for a visit to Home Despot, don't you? To pick up some chicken manure?

Do you know who this is? Then you cannot be a True Doctor Fan. Her name is Carey Mulligan. Now she is An Ingenue With A Bright Hollywood Future. But before she was AIWABHF she was...

...Sally Sparrow. And yes, that is her hair. She was in a Stephen Moffat-penned episode of Doctor Who entitled Blink (don't you love how I can bring everything back to Doctor Who?). It was one of the scariest of the scarier episodes. It was so scary that I might I have to make myself a Weeping Angel one day, for the garden. Just to scare the bejesus out of everyone when it's dark and we're out dashing around in the night. FDPG's Dr Who poster has those Weeping Angels on it, and every night, before they go to bed, the twins say the same thing:

"Is it true that Stephen Moffat is going to bring back the Weeping Angels in the new Doctor Who?"

Sadly, Sally Sparrow will probably be too busy to do a cameo for this hypothetical future episode. But the Doctor knew. He knew this would happen. One day.

Here he is, trying to tell Sally that she should not leave to seek her fortune in Hollywood. "Don't go!" he is saying, "you will only regret how shabbily they treat you. When you win awards they will cut you off in mid-speech. They will serve you cheap champagne. Expect you to laugh at cheesy jokes and act in sub-standard material. You will regret leaving me. Whatever you do - do NOT go to Hollywood."


Anonymous said...

I did not watch the Oscars, heck, I didn't even know they were on! But you know what, Miss Sheila? I didn't have to. Not with your fabulous report on it! You should be on that red carpet doing the play by play for the networks. That would be an Oscar show I would definitely watch!!

p.s. love RDJ too! Go Ironman!
p.s.s. remen? hee hee hee

Suji said...

LOL, I watched that DW episode :) You just couldn't resist inserting another photo could you? :) Heck, when Ms Cruz appears on our TV, even I go tidy my hair from looking so sloppy in comparison! Can't blame R.