Notes & Letters

Dear Williams-Sonoma,

I used to love receiving emails notifying me of your frequent sales but now I feel rather sad to inform you that I would prefer it if you could reduce the volume of email you send me, to, perhaps, say, once every month (as opposed to once a day)? I love almost all your products. I'd even buy them if they weren't so expensive. And that, my dear W-S, is the crux of the matter. I can't possibly justify paying $229 for a frying pan, even if it DOES have a charming copper lining and a lovely little bee perched on it handle. So I regret that I must remain a viewer from afar in your catalogue of treasures, unless of course you come out with another Bee and Butterfly cake mold tin. That WAS cute, and at $24 it was - even I admit - a steal.

Can I give you one further criticism? You're milking the Star Wars Cookie Cutter line even by the standards of the two obsessively fervent Star Wars fans in this house. The first set was, as Seinfeld's dentist friend said: "GOLD Jerry! GOLD!" The second and third sets caused us all to wince a bit. End on a high note, why don't you?

Love,

Sheila


Dear Person Who Volunteers With Me,


You are, as the expression goes, an ass of the first degree. Your qualities of hostility and anger, combined with a rare gift for undisguised selfishness, astonish me by their sheer lack of subtlety. You make even a skinflint seem kind. If we ever have to work together again, it will be too soon. I am, dear sir, forever grateful that I will no longer have to endure your awful lack of grace and manners. By the way, now that I no longer have to spare your feelings (particularly since you have never once tried to spare mine) your breath stinks. So get it out of my face.

Love,

Sheila


Dear Martha Stewart,

I love your devotion to your grand-daughter. I'm even getting used to the ever-present gray tones that accompany her every appearance in your magazine but it's got to stop, Martha, because my children want you to adopt them now. They want marzipan creatures on their birthday cakes. They want specially boxed animal cookies for their party favours. And they'd also like an entire restaurant booked for their birthday party. They're not big on the gray tones, though, which is probably the only bright light in this scenario. Please, Martha, let's see less of Jude and Her Amazing Life and more origami pumpkins or walls painted to look like jade, because we ALL need the distraction.

Love,

Sheila