Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Spamming My Way Across The Universe

I received an interesting and rather unsettling letter the other day. It turns out that someone wants to give me huge sums of money - for no discernible reason. I can't believe my good fortune. 

I've left the letter as it appeared, but my return comments appear in blue. We are in talks at the moment.

      I assume you and your family are in good health. 
(Yes, we are, how did you know?)

I am the Foreign Operations Manager at one of the leading generation bank here in Burkina Faso West Africa. 
(Gosh, Foreign Operations Manager! What an important job. I am already feeling a little unequal to your amazingness up here, being a simple stay at home mum on an island in little old Canada. I don't even know where Burkina Faso IS)
   This being a wide world in which it can be difficult to make new acquaintances and because it is virtually impossible to know who is trustworthy and who can be believed, i have decided to repose confidence in you after much fasting and prayer
(I feel compelled to point out that prayer shouldn't make you do things like this. I mean, you don't know me at all, yet you are allowing fasting and prayer to nudge you into contacting me. I know it's a wide world but I do think you need to have a snack and think a little more about this plan. Your blood sugar must be low or something. Go on, go have a piece of chocolate or something. I will too, in solidarity. If you really want, I'll let you pay for it afterwards...)  
It is only because of this that I have decided to confide in you and to share with you this confidential business.
(oh dear. Please don't do this. I will do silly things with your money. I really will. I am not to be trusted.)
  In my bank; there resides an overdue and abandoned huge amount of money. (Since when does money become overdue? Don't you find this curious? I think you need to examine this concept further) When the account holder suddenly passed on, he left no beneficiary who would be entitled to the receipt of the amount.  For this reason, I have found it expedient to transfer this currency to a trustworthy individual with capacity to act as foreign business partner.  Thus i humbly request your assistance to claim this amount.
(Well, if you insist. I hope you don't think I'm going to share this with you in any way. I really don't think it's a good idea that we share this sort of fortune. I mean, we'll just get mad or something and then what will come of it all?)
    Upon the transfer of this amount in your account, you will take 45% as your share from the total currency, 10% will be shared to Charity Organizations in both country and 45% will be for me.
(Wait, what sort of charity organizations are we talking here? Mine? or yours? This might be a deal breaker for me)
Please if you are really sure you can handle this project, contact me immediately for details of the amount involved.
(Well, alright. I will contact you, but only because you have evidently spent so much time thinking about this project. I admire your work ethic)
I am looking forward to read from you soon.
(I can only think you mean HEAR from me soon. Unless you are one of those oh-so-literal people who really DO mean to say that you will be reading my return reply)
Your Good friend,
(Is that really your name? Do I call you Your? Or Good? Or Your Good Friend? I'm getting a little confused here, what with all this fasting and prayer. Do tell me what to do. You haven't given me a bank account number to reply to. Or is this the moment at which I give YOU my bank account information?)


Your Good Want To Be Friend

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