Thursday, November 7, 2013

Confessions of a Facebook Failure

I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that I am just no good at Facebook. It brings out the Sarcastic Hag in me, it really does. 

I don't play Candy Crush, I don't have the urge to breed dragons, I have no interest in Slotomania, and I'm terrible at giving rampant, unbridled praise at the slightest provocation. 

What? You just made a really good pot of tea and you're drinking it right now? HIGH FIVE! 

You made a Middle Eastern stew with the new tagine pot you found at Value Village for ten cents and the family all love it? HOW THRILLING! I BET IT TASTES AMAZING! 

You called your miserable sourpuss of a husband to tell him that he's awesome, because you believe in miracles? YOU'RE EVEN MORE AWESOME! 

You made pancakes with bacon and it was so delicious you're making them again tomorrow? I WISH I WERE THERE EATING THEM WITH YOU!

See what I mean? I have to fight the urge to say things like "I'm drinking a glass of Scotch - with no ice! - and it's only 11am. I'm sure I'll be drunk by noon!" Or "I like swearing!" Or "The cat just puked in Max's runners! If I clean them now he'll never know!" Sometimes I even want to post updates on how many times I've said F*CK so far that day: F*ck, the kids pissed me off! F*ck, that driver took my parking spot! F*ck, my library fines are building up!

But I don't. Instead I grit my teeth and hit the LIKE button every now and then, just so they know I'm listening. And reading. 

F*ck. Where is the Facebook for Sarcastic Hags?


Suji said...

I can't seem to get on it either. :P I've come to the conclusion that my life is more peaceful without it. I guess I might be missing out on some important tidbit once in a while but if it's important enough I'm sure it gets around another way right?

Mrs. Deeply Suburban said...

F*ck you've got a fantastic sense of humour. Both Mr & I are laughing. What the hell IS Candy Crush?

sheila said...

Suji, you are NOT missing out. Trust me. It would suck the life out of you if you did.

Mrs DS, F*ck don't I know it! You so do not want to know what Candy Crush is. But if you did, I wouldn't be able to tell you, because I don't know what it is. All I know is that everyone I know on FB plays the damn game. Constantly. And they achieve levels that I am notified about. Constantly. It's so annoying I could rend my hair some days.

Samantha said...

I F*cking wish you would F*cking write that $h*t on your F*cking facebook page! It would be F*cking awesome!!! I would F*cking be 'liking' the F*cking $h*t out of those posts, and be all like, 'Drunk? Me F*cking too!'

By the way, there is a way to tell those games to F*ck off. It's somewhere on the right of where it says that someone is playing the game and you click on (I think it's a little downward arrow thingie) and you can hide games, because who the F*ck cares who's playing what game, and who has time for $h*t like that with all the drinking it takes to be drunk by noon.

sheila said...

NOW you tell me. Why am I always the last one to know about these things? I'm going in there right now to put a stop to it. The idea that my aunts are playing Candy Crush every evening for hours on end worries me, frankly. I'm sure it's all very innocent but still...

You sure swear a lot, Miss Dancin' F*ckin' Queen. Oooh, that looks rude, doesn't it?

I'm going to get a drink. Enough of this sh*t.

Still Samantha said...

Effin' ay, Sheila! Ef-fin-ay!

When I first joined, everyone played a farm game and was asking me for a F*cking apple or sending me a F*cking turnip, so I was very quick to find a way to stop that $h*t. Now the odd little thing squeaks through, but I generally ignore it.

My real peeve is when people post something that's all "if you don't re-post this, then you don't care about people with ______" or "I need attention, so if you don't comment and re-post, I'll know that you secretly loathe my very existence". F*ck that $h*t! Takes the F*ckin' dance right out of me.

Whew. Glad to get that out. Off to make another drink.