Yes, you heard me right.
I'm tired of this casual earthy child-dominated lifestyle of mine. It's the Spy Life for me from now on. No longer will this house feature sepia tones, neutral walls, lots of reference tomes, butterfly aquariums, crafts, and woodsy furniture; oh no, no, no, now our house will be re-organized thusly:Cool blues, grays, and off-white colours only. No identifying wall decor. Gone are the ancient photographs magnetted to the fridge (identifies my Weak Points - aka the children - to the Enemy). Gone are the Far Side cartoons stuck on the wall (which show me as a Real Person). Ditto the Strange Ethnic Art on the fireplace (no real reason but I never see stuff like this in spy shows so might as well get rid of it). And to hell with the houseplants (who has time to water the plants when there's a bomb to defuse or a hitman to take out?).
Nope, from now on there's going to be a Security Foyer in the, err, foyer. Computer terminals everywhere - high-tech computer terminals: voice recognition software, face identification programs, and some of those programs that can make people appear in photographs where they never were before. Swirly chairs in which I can suddenly lean back when EXHAUSTED from my Deeply Intense Internet Searches. And long, clean pressboard desks for when I need to flop forward on my hands and rub my face intently. Plus, the kids'll still need something to do their schoolwork on.
Speaking of the kids, I'm wondering if I need to get them clip-on name tags or not. Might be a useful ruse to keep them out of the living room ("Security ID please! Where is your nametag? Sorry, I'm afraid you aren't authorized for this area. Go back downstairs or I'll have to alert Security").
We'll have to find someone to be the Resident Computer Geek, because this one, Colin, is no longer on the show. He had his file 'closed' recently. This totally complicates things because a) he was a whiz with gadgets and computers, and b) he was very witty and easy-going, just what I need in a Resident Computer Geek (I'm sure I'll tend to be a little on the demanding side). Plus, I'm a bit lazy when it comes to researching Personnel. I'd rather just use all the people on the show than look for real people around me.
Which brings me to my friends.
I'll have to change all my friends, because none of my friends will want to do this:
Pose with me all the time (when I'm not off on Serious Matters of State). Stand several steps behind me...then somewhat sideways...then look slightly irritable. Wear long black coats that hide their awkward body parts. Cross their arms over tight black jackets. Stand nonchalantly with their hands in their pockets. Get their hair cut every few weeks so it continues to stick up in the air, even when running desperately down a dark alley with Evil Men in Furious Pursuit. Learn to apply tourniquets if I am bleeding to death. Let me stand in the middle taking all the glory. Because I will be the Lead Spook.
I'll have to coach them on Photo Op Protocol, too, where I will look sullenly yet provocatively at the camera lens while someone else looks intelligently off in the opposite direction, while yet another of us stands behind me and looks protectively out from under my deeply wise and clever wing. Gosh, I can see a lot of complications. Most of my current friends are all so darn individualistic and unmalleable. I wonder if I'll get a personal assistant to help me with the, err, training?
Ah well, if they give me too much grief I know what to do with them.
Off with your heads! Ha ha.
I will have to do something with Richard, because I notice that no one in this show seems to have a Meaningful Personal Relationship. Or if they do one of them gets killed off, leaving the other to pine mournfully and dangerously, affecting the safety of their co-workers in Intensely Critical Moments. My inclination is to use this fellow, the devastatingly handsome Zaph, because a) he resembles Richard, and b) he already knows how to behave in terms of Photo Op Protocol. He's also amazing at kicking people in the throat when they walk through the door with a gun in their hands. Perhaps he could be my Personal Assistant. Show me how to kick people who walk through my door with guns in their hands. Train my recalcitrant friends. We could share Intimate Moments during Tense Decisions. Drink a lot and feel sad with the burdens of the future.
I could also pinch some of his wardrobe for Richard. Richard could really use a long black coat like this one. That might mollify him for having to sit the season out.
Someone has to watch the children.
As Lead Spook, with my
I'd need a Right Hand Man, too. I could use this fellow...oh, wait, I already went through this, didn't I? He's just so, err, photogenic. The more I
Mixing up my real life with television life? No, I don't think I am. Why do you ask?
From what I've seen, Roz doesn't seem to have a best side. She does a lot of head shots. Close ups. She also wears a lot of face make-up. I wonder if I'd need to wear face make-up in my new life, because I don't really like wearing face-makeup.
But she has a killer wardrobe so perhaps I could overlook the makeup. She has a black jacket I quite covet. She wears the black jacket and glares and scares the pants off all the men. I am excellent at glaring. Ask my kids. Well, the children who used to live here. The ones with the wonky Security Tags who live in the basement. Under the stairs. With the husband.
I will also need to change all the lighting in the house, because I've noticed that everyone on this show is lit from below. This could be tricky. Might mean a trip to IKEA to get some cheap industrial lighting. Might also mean that my double chin will be, err, enhanced. Not good for those Torrid Romance scenes.
Almost forgot that I would need to have a Toffee-Nosed Friend to make Rude Remarks about people. Someone like this fellow, who says things like
"Ahhh, I see you've brought Terrier Tom! Well, now, I thought it might be rather jolly if we walked about a bit. It always gives one a bit of a frisson, don't you find, going amongst the plebs talking of high state secrets?"
He could be exceedingly rude, alienate everyone, yet still maintain the humour ratings for me. (did you know that Emma Thompson once described him this way: "He's very likeably oily - sort of like a well-hung eel.")
I'm going to have to think about cameos, I guess. Get some Influential People making Guest Appearances at my house periodically. The only person I know who might qualify in this regard is someone who knows someone who works for Stephane Dion, but Stephane Dion is so, umm, dull. I can't see him making witty rejoindures. Looking unctuous. Flirty yet evil.
I will have to think about this bit some more.
Finally, I will have to have someone with which I could Spar Sexily With At The Office. You know, fight about which mission we go on next and stuff. Whether we're Losing Perspective At Critical Junctures. Whether we should trust our source. If we should go rogue or not. When to pull out of the mission. Who gets to kick who in the throat when we burst into buildings full of Bad People. Who gets the bullet proof vest. And for that I choose this fellow. He has buckets of gravitas, looks great while running down a dark alley, likes to drink scotch, and he can wear the heck out of a black turtle neck. Plus, he's friends with Zaph, so the two of them won't fight constantly over me.
My Life As A Spy. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?