Tuesday, July 12, 2011

How My Week Went 3 (guest post)

I've blogged before about my action-packed weeks, and I gather from the deluge of email Sheila gets that you are all quite eager to hear more about my exploits (Ed. Note: there has been no email on this topic whatsoever). To that end, I have commandeered the keyboard in the middle of the night in order that you should know what a fabulous life I lead. My life, I must emphasize, is quite fabulous.

I am calling this post How My Week Went 3 because I am an orderly cat and this is my third post in the series. My first post detailed the gripping saga of me against some particularly trying budgies; my second post detailed my battle with a Playmobil Caesar and how I emerged victorious. Now I am going to regale you with some amusing escapades, involving the slaves I own people who call me Toffee. My life requires much subterfuge, much cleverness, and much agility, none of which I possess but my owners humour me greatly.

I like to start each morning by chewing on someone's hair. You might like your Omega 3's - I like hair. Each to their own potion.

FDPG and Max are the most obliging in this respect, although Max's hair has a tad too much gel in it for my liking.

After that I like to go to the salon for some grooming. I have several slaves to do this for me, but it is rather exhausting training them. Good help is so difficult to find. FDPG has such a short attention span.

After my comb over I like a cup of coffee.

I find that sitting looking pointedly into the mug generally gets good results.

Not ALWAYS, but usually. Sometimes I have to resort to turning on the television.

That always brings them in.

After coffee I like a little read. This book came highly recommended by the Fat Persian down the road but I have to tell you: it's NOT about dogs. I assumed, by the title, that it was. Now THAT is what I call misleading advertising.

Last time I listen to a Persian...

At this point I usually have a nap. My life is SUCH a whirlwind.

Sometimes I even have two naps. There's a reason they call it Beauty Sleep.

Every so often I like to skulk in the garlic beds, because there is a particularly toothsome snake living in them. I don't know how Sheila knows I'm here, but she usually comes out and shoos me away. It's very annoying. That snake looks quite fat and juicy.

This week there was the Incident of the Butterfly Drinking Bowl (Ed. Note: aka A Photo of Toffee's Big Fat Behind), but we won't get into that. It's all SO undignified. I hate it when unflattering pictures are taken of me, don't you?

Besides, what am I to do when I have a thirst for butterflies?

They are so wonderfully crunchy.

Instead I will tell you about my Catwalk Moments. I know, I know, not only do I have a wild and crazy social life, I ALSO model. What can I say? Some of us have it. And I clearly have it.
I'm too sexy for this blog, too sexy for this blog, too sexy for this blog, poor blog blog blog.

And with that I bid you adieu, sweet peons. If you ever have the urge to come and groom me, do visit.

I will make my humans give you tea.

Or something.


Rebecca said...

Sheila, you are a nutter.

Michelle said...

Another gripping tale from Catmera! How I do love your adventures. You really know how to work that catwalk. It's about time plus-sized cats were given the chance to strut their stuff.

Samantha said...

Toffee! What have your done to your humans! Have you got them slaving away so that your Sheila doesn't have time to blog?

By the way, my cat thoroughly enjoyed your blog post, although all your activity made him sleepy. He hopes to hear from you again soon.


Italian Samantha said...

p.s. I think my high fever has a similar effect of drunkenness. I really should go lie down.


Suji said...

I agree with Michelle. Plus-size cats (and err, people too, ahem) deserve their day! I'm particularly curious about the hair. Does younger hair taste better than older hair?

Mrs. Deeply Suburban said...

Moxie Crimefighter is so fascinated by these tales of Kitty life! She desires a meeting so fervently! All I have to say are the words "Kitty Cat!" and she's at the window, saying. "Where? Where?"

Perhaps the opportunity will present itself soon....

sheila said...

WHAT? What does that mean? Are you coming back here? OMG! DO TELL. I can hardly contain myself. Tell me you are coming back to my neck of the woods!

Mrs. Deeply Suburban said...

Ha! Gotcha! Take a look at this:
Is it better to live in a house you love but a community you hate, or vice versa? How will we find a place that allows dogs in Vancouver? Are we nuts? All I know is, it's not working out here. Somebody buy my house, please!

sheila said...

Oh my gosh. I will cross my fingers. You're doing the right thing - keep saying that to yourself. I know it won't be useful for S but across the Straight you could get something for that price in the smallish house line easily. There are a lot of options.

Wowee zowee. I am so glad!